Im in awe

Today I came across a very talented lady called Sandra from somewhere in Melbourne who has a fantastic blog and shop called Pepperberry and co. She makes wonderful paper products and also things like passport holders (yes I can see the irony of that as I type it. I didnt even know she made them until I went just now to see what was in her etsy shop that was not paper)

Anyway, a few days ago, she posted a little bit about herself, and her battle with depression.  I have read it and feel awed that this lady would share her pain and frustration with us in such an eloquent way.

I too of course suffer from an almost identical debilitation. If you wonder what I mean, then please read the above post. I simply could not have explained it better myself. I had a complete breakdown in June/July of 2006 - it took much medication, effort on behalf of my Psych, my beloved Helen and my Furry son Thomas, and old mother time to get me back to some semblance of 'normal'. I probably wasnt actually 'well', until the start of 2008.

For reasons unknown to me I am again in a similar position (for about 5 weeks now). However along with the depression is an unbearable agitation and anxiety. This is why I have thrown myself into the creative side of my life. Desperately trying to drag myself out of bed and keep moving - or rather at the moment, madly trying to do 50 things at once and not settling on any one thing. The craft/fabric design/art gives me a focus.

I dream I could actually make some sort of business from my passion so that I would not have to slog on in corporate life. This remains to be seen. Especially when, while I am running around madly obsessing about everything crafty, arty etc, its actually very hard for me to stick at doing one thing more than an hour or so. Certainly not the way to try to run a home business. I guess a 'normal' office is a little more structured and it can be a little easier - also because someone else is relying on me seems to motivate me too.

But not knowing what is going to spook me is hard. I can calmly discuss work and the work environment with friends and suddenly something will trigger and Im having a panic attack about work. Or walking out the door. I can be happily in a shop looking at things I love, when my brain will snap and I have to leave before I run around screaming or sit in a corner crying. And I can find no rhyme or reason to it just yet.

So this blog is part of my therapy I have decided. And that is why I am writing it regardless of how many people read it (or dont). An online diary of sorts and a way of me putting a little of me into the ether. So Im not fogotten. So I dont dissapear like I feel I am doing. And maybe, just maybe, if I need it, to remind myself of what my personality really is, if I start to lose myself again.

Let me give you a picture to make this at least look pretty. This is a picture of Thomas and I having lunch in the park a few weeks ago. A puppy grin is just a joyful cheering thing isnt it?


Thea said...

I met Sandra earlier this year at the Melbourne Stitches and Craft Show. She is lovely and an inspiration. Thank you for coming to the Open Studio yesterday. I look forward to seeing your finished cushions.

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